Uncle M

You ever had one of those uncles who think they are really the next Russell Peters? They will come unannounced, proceed to make jokes and then laugh boisterously while everyone hahas politely. I have one such uncle. Uncle M. Nice chap otherwise. Will give you the shirt off his back if needed. Unfortunately he has the tendency to involve himself with whatever I am doing whenever he shows up at our place.

Now my mother has this unfortunate rule. Whenever we have guests all the kids must go downstairs and say salaam to the guest. Even if the guest has only come to see Dad or Mom for just a little while. No, it “shows good upbringing”, she says, and that’s it. Lot of desi stuff is about show, me thinks. So even though the last person at the moment I want to see is him, I got the call and dutifully went down to say my salaams and then get the hell out of there.

No such luck. As soon as he saw me his eyes lit up.

“Ah, Haleem! My boy, do you go to the gym?”

That gave me a pause. Now, when someone asks you if you go to the gym, there could be two reasons, and all of them awkward.

a) you are really fat and you need to go.

b) you look really fit so you must be going.

Not to mention, no body’s business.

“Yes, uncle, I do go.” I say warily.

“Mashallah!” He thundered, “but remember! Just as one must exercise the body, one must also exercise the Ruh! And the exercise of the Ruh is prayer! Salah! Zikr!”

Of course, I should have remembered. This was an uncle that somehow turned every conversation to Islam. While it’s well and good at first, after sometime it gets tiring. What is even more entertaining about this uncle is he will cite “scientific facts” to prove Islam is the best religion. I mean, shouldn’t you just believe it? But not him.

Once during some discussion, he cited some study that found out that Muslim asses were 92% cleaner than non-Muslim asses.

I was almost tempted to ask “so uncle, how did they do this study?”

Talk about pulling facts out of one’s a**.

So I say my salaam and escape upstairs. I continue to play the computer game I was playing.

Uncle had followed me upstairs while Dad was busy with something else.

“So, beta, what are you playing?”

OMG.

“Um, Uncle, it’s Counter Strike. It’s a game.”

“Chee! Your parents want to get you married and you still play computer games!” He almost spat out.

OK. I didn’t know once I got married I would have to give up the computer games. Not happening. Even if I marry the sexiest girl on the planet (in a sari) I am still gonna play games.

Then he asked me what the game was about.

As slowly as I could, I told him.

“Uncle, you are an American soldier. You are on a mission to Iraq where you have to kill some Iraqi rebel fighters that are trying to kill some other American soldiers.”

I don’t think I have ever seen someone choke, swallow his breath and go red at the same time, so fast. Muttering something that rhymed with  ‘astakfirullah‘ he left.

I think I am off his list of eligible bachelors for the Muslim community for the time being.