Captain Chaos

My wife gave me a new hairstyle last week. My hair had grown quite long, as due to various engagements I had been unable to get a haircut for a couple of months. Of course, all along while she did my hair I kept the door locked, if my sisters or brother walked in and found me in a room with my wife holding her PINK hair straightener and then using it on my hair, they would have had a field day.

It’s amazing what a new hairstyle can do to you. You know those Sunsilk / Palmolive commercials where the girl just tosses her head and her hair is one silky and glossy wave - that was me! I was like wow…. this is ME! (well the hair part not the being a girl part) Mona did tell me it would last until I took a shower. It’s amazing what the new hair meant - suddenly I was walking along with chest forward, proudly strutting around and thinking I am Shah Rukh Khan. Then … haha… I had the stupidity to mention to Mona that when I had purchased the tickets for the Ryerson formal, the girl selling the ticket had told me, “Wow bhaia you look good!”

Soon after that she made me go take a shower… hair yesterday … gone today.

I started to work out too … it’s amazing the bulk I put up since marriage as I had started to skip my after work gym. Now that it’s summer - so I got a new workout plan from the lovely Isheeta and gotten to work.

Well… day 1 down so far. And after gym I had a hot dog!

I have to get in shape for my reception. Man! People before my time married four wives but had only one ceremony each time. I married one girl and am having four ceremonies! One engagement ceremony when we met and got engaged in October, one marriage solemnization walimah this winter, now one reception ceremony because we are in Canada, and another to go in USA ‘coz her relatives are there! Briefly I did tell her I might as well marry one more wife at each ceremony… that idea joke didn’t go too well.

Related: Desi Rhetorics, Eh?

“So beta, how’s married life?”

This question, the MOST common (for chrissake asked by MARRIED people, you guys should know!) is something I can at least handle - purportedly.

“Busy,” I will reply. If you are smart at this point you will steer the direction of the conversation into something safe like why the Leafs suck, because the next question will be “so when are we going to become dada-dadi (grandparents)?”

Well…. first of all MY parents would be the dada-dadi you are just an uncle and second I don’t know why is it any business of other people.

Over the last few months at the various parties I have been, people have pointedly told me us that:

1. “Science” proves that a woman who has her first kid early (preferably below 25!) will have healthy kids all the way.

2. Kids make you a complete man (I thought it was marriage, no?)

3. “Well, I had my first kid when I was …”

and then finally …

4. “Look at your Hirok bhai. Got married last August and already he’s a father, mashAllah!” (well, aunty, I know you were never good at maths but August! and this is April …)

One thing I have noticed about brown people, especially the sub-species called relatives, is that they actually think their advice is well-meaning and much sought after.

You got the cringe-worthy ones in Bangladesh whose enlightened words make you glad you live in the West (or as they call it, the ‘den’ of immorality).

“Well beta, tell bou-ma to not bleach her hair, she should not look like those besharam goris…”

“Bah! bou-ma to besh shundor! photo te dekhe kaalo mone-y hoy chilo …” (Wow, your wife is pretty, the photo made me think she was dark but thank God! she is fair)

“She will study? Good good. Just don’t let her study too much ok”

And these people are glad they are not living in the West because their kids would then become “corrupted”. Last time I checked, the list of Most Corrupt Countries was headed by who?

At least Bengali uncles and aunties here are more enlightened. I sometimes people living here in the West tend to be more in touch with proper religious values (like kindness, open mindedness) than the ones back home. But they also have their moments.

The other day one of my friends threw a small BBQ in her back yard and it was just us friends and a couple of friends of her mom. So there was this aunty. I don’t know this aunty too well, so when she saw me with a girl whose hair was slightly bleached at the end, wearing jeans, Ts and had blue eyes (ever heard of contacts?) she came over.

“Is that your wife? I didn’t know you were married …”

“Yes it is. Mona! This is aunty .. er..”

“Kemon achen aapni?” (How are you) Mona asked.

“Wow,” Aunty was so surprised. “Bou Bangla bolte pare! (She can speak Bengali!) I thought she was a white girl but now it’s all OK! Good good! But speak with a better accent ok and your kids will have no trouble at all!”

Leaving us both very dumbfounded she went back to her food.

For some reason it’s wedding season in Canada, and we were attending another wedding this Saturday afternoon.

Mona comes out of the dressing room, fully decked up and ready to go. I look at her and …

This is what I wanted to say

“Wow I hope the bride doesn’t get jealous as you look prettier!”

This is what came out of my mouth

“Wow I hope the bride is prettier than you!”

If anyone is keeping score after the Red Shirt incident, it’s now

Haleem 1
Mona 1